Why I Hate Local News

Brock: “On today’s headlines, why opening your front door could be hazardous to your health.”
Michelle: “Also on today’s headlines, you may be harboring a menace in your refrigerator and not even know it. Hear about dangers to your children that are lurking in your kitchen.”
Brock: “But first, a look at this morning’s waking-up weather report.”
Skip: “Looks like we’re in for some wild weather. I’ll tell you all about it, right after we hear about this morning’s commute.”
Deb: “Area freeways are looking congested. I’ll tell you which ones, right after the break.”

[ commercial break ]

Brock: “A recent study showed that opening doors too quickly can often throw out your shoulder, leaving you suffering in pain, and out of work for minutes. Back to you, Michelle.”
Michelle: “Thanks for that enlightening report, Brock. I think we can all learn something there. But first, this morning’s weather report.”
Skip: “Crazy weather ahead, and it looks like it may affect your drive to work.”
Deb: “That’s right, Skip. Ha ha ha. There sure are a lot of cars out there. Let’s break for a commercial.”

[ commercial break ]

Brock: “In local news, an area teen is making headlines by being the first teenager that does not own an iPod.”
Michelle: “Are you kidding me? That just can’t be! No iPod? Oh, and um, we bombed some country in the east.”
Brock: “Yeah, can you believe that? Just when you think this country has gone too far, you hear about kids with no iPods. It just breaks my heart. Skip? How’s it looking out there?”
Skip: “Looks like we’re in for weather, Brock. If we look up one year ago today, we had weather on this exact same day. How’s that for weird?”
Deb: “Hahahahah. That sure is weird, Skip, but not as weird as a kid with no iPod! Hahahahahaha. That’s the news. Have a great day, everyone.”