Happy Birthday to ...

Legs! She is three years old today! Just doesn't seem possible but my little Godsend has been with me and such a joy for three whole years now. I really don't know what would have happened when Kiki passed away last April were it not for my wolfie ... That was a difficult time. Still is sometimes. God knew what He was doing when He sent Legs to the ranch to wait for me. I love her more than I can put into words, and for some stupid reason she feels the same about me. Legs is my little Valentine!
Also snagged from Sharmy who writes, "This guy must be in love... Nothing says I love you better than heart shaped backhair.... SEXY!":

And my response? *GAG*

I lived in Utah at the foot of the Wasatch Mountains. I loved it there. I loved the lack of humidity, it was excellent weather for my asthma and I'd never felt better, I didn't mind the lack of summer rains and I adored the snow, snow, snow which was so light and powdery I could have shoveled the driveway myself. Actually, I just pushed the snow w/ the shovel -- it wasn't a heavy, wet snow as I'm accustomed to. Needless to say, I shamelessly adored living in a real city w/ even more real cities nearby. The mountains were breathtaking and I so felt "at home." Now that I'm at my real home, the family ranch which I'm heir to my girlfriend Lissy sends me this:

You might be a "Utahn" if... (The ones I understand will be denoted w/ an *)
You keep your clothes in "Chester Drawers"*
You don't pronounce T's in the middle of words. (Moun'n, Lay'n)* (I lived in Lay'n.)
If there is a G at the end of a word you treat it as if it were silent.*
You know what Fry Sauce is made of.*(Mayonnaise and ketchup)
You go to the duck pond to feed the Seagulls.*
Green Jell-o with cabbage mixed in doesn't seem strange.
You can pronounce Tooele.* (Too WILL a)
The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y.*
You have actually eaten funeral potatoes.
You've gotten both heat and frost burns off your car's door handle in the same month! (Nope, my vehicles were garaged.)
You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot".*
Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.* (Yup!)
The largest liquor store is the state government.*
You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.*
30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable. (HA!)
You know the difference between a 'Steak House' and a 'Stake House'.*
You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.*
You can see the stars at night.* (But also on the ranch.)
You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.* (Not me, but I know of several.) You have more children than you can find biblical names for.
Your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out.
You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.* (The LDS discourage caffeine.)
You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.*
At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
You wonder why fire truck drivers honk when you drive 35 mph in the left lane on the freeway. (I don't understand that at ALL.)
There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots.
You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.* (I know who JD is but there are some who don't.)
You negotiate prices at a garage sale.
You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.
You've heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.
Your father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
A member of your family wrote in Lavell Edwards for president in the last election.
Sandals are the best-selling shoes.
Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.* (Yup.)
You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.
You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.
You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.
Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but closes for the opening of hunting season.* (Absolutely.)
People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.* (They also wear jammies to go out shopping.)
People wear socks with their sandals.
There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.* (Yup.)
There is also a 7-11 at every street corner. * (Or a Maverik.)
The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.*
In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.
You don't have to breathe cigarette smoke until you walk outside the building.*(Nor is smoking permitted w/in blocks of the Temple in Salt Lake.)
Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.*
When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but ski racks are standard.
Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.*
Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, your whole family has to go and meet them the next day, after you helped them unload their moving truck.
Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.* (Tithe)
More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.*
You've never had a Mormon missionary knock on your door, unless you are having them over for dinner that night.
You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception.
You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.
Your idea of a good time is playing Pictionary in the cultural hall.
Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.
You and all your friends come to your mother for a haircut in her kitchen.
You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Utah.

Later --

The Snow Moon

It's a full moon tonight -- the "Snow Moon." Every month's full moon has a name, and this is the one for February. Occasionally a month will have a Blue Moon, the second of two full moons -- but that doesn't often happen. Now, I don't know why this is but it almost always snows on my birthday. It did this year, last year, the year before that and so on. It happened when I lived in Utah, and it even happened when I lived in Saint Louis. It may not be a gigantic snow (except in Utah) but odds are pretty good it's gonna snow where ever I am on my birthday. Amazing. I like to think of it as, God thinks I'm so special he gives me His own special gift every year for my birthday.

Has everyone been watching the Olympics? I have to say, this is the first year I can remember not being absolutely glued to them. I've not watched a single event, nor a single moment. I suppose I've just lost interest in former lifelong interests. Plus, when I went shopping for the new TV last week (the Olympics just wouldn't be the same w/ this itty bitty 19" TV) I got sidetracked by a Coach sale and bought another handbag. I'm truly a addicted, always have been. Can you say Handbag ? Go ahead, you won't hurt my feelings. Oh, another problem I have: I Oh, be still my beating heart!

I have a photo of the most gorgeous baby born since Son of Sam arrived:


This is Kayleigh May Rogers, age 2 mos., Sister's new baby granddaughter. Look at those chunky little legs and arms!! She's such a good baby, she doesn't shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeek, she just frets a little instead of wailing. Is she not the most precious? Oh yes, she is. What a little blessing!

The Duck sent me the following. Ordinarily he's not swift enough to come up w/ something like this on his own but someone w/ a functioning brain sent it to him first:

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by
saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers,which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."
The next day, the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."
She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

You gotta admit, that really is funny!

Poor Tom Cruise. Once considered a complete class act, this is now what he's reduced to, and deservedly so in my opinion:
Yeah, it must be nice to be so perfect and wonderful Tom, but I sure can't wait to hear all about Katie and that "silent birth" Scientologists demand. Oh -- and no drugs either during labor. Good luck w/ that one! Congratulations on becoming a laughingstock.

Finally ... *sigh* If I didn't live down here I wouldn't even dream this was possible but you wouldn't believe some of the things I've seen. Trust me when I say this does not surprise me in the least. It's the Redneck Hot Tub!



Kill me now ...

It's My Birthday

As is our custom, my parents, the Ducks and I went to dinner last evening. This is the fourth year in a row but the first time the Duck drove, and it was the Susie's car. Everything was fine until we left the restaurant and on the freeway we were greeted by a blizzard. In Tennessee! I was just a little bit uneasy but there is just one thing I'll give the Duck credit for: He's a good driver. Otherwise, it was a lovely dinner just the five of us like every other year. Actually, there was one difference -- we had the worst server known to God. Twice during the evening I was thoroughly put out but w/ Daddy one one side of me and my mom on the other I was completely persona non grata -- no ifs, ans or buts about it. In the presence of my parents, rarely am I encouraged to join conversation (Daddy gives me this look almost every time I start to say something), or God forbid voice a bad opinion! It's enough that my appearance must first be approved before I'm permitted to go anywhere w/ them ... *sigh* So I did as I always do: I just sat quietly watching the traffic and snowflakes fall outside. I was a good girl -- but nothing less would be tolerated. Sometimes I just want to but of course that would be frowned upon -- to say the least. Sometimes I just get so tired ... of being alive. Anyway, happy birthday to me.

It's been snowing off and on here for three days. Friday was a lovely day for me! I had to go to Jackson to see Cindi, I ran some errands, I fueled Lovey -- that wasn't much fun, she was down to ¼ of a tank and it cost me $31.50 to fill her -- but when I got out of Cindi's office it was snowing hard! I was so happy! That was around 3.00 pm and on my way back I stopped at Wally World to pick up a few things. I could believe how many people were in that store! I didn't know there were that many people in this entire town! It seems if there's even a whisper of a snowflake in the news they all pour out to "stock up in case they're snowed in for a week!" I couldn't believe it. Everywhere I looked there were empty shelves so naturally I flew all the way to the back of the store to grab my necessities: MILK. There was plenty of whole milk but I had just a teeny issue w/ the chocolate milk: Only one gallon left and I spied it at the same time another female did. She opened the cooler door but I nudged her cart w/ mine, shoved her out the way and nailed my chocolate milk. Folks are far too polite and kind down here to actually say something crude but she did give me the Stink Eye. I ignored her. I had my milk. So it snowed until midnight and we got all of 3" on the ground, but the streets remained clear. This is an actual local photo: Frightening, isn't it? So it snowed a little yesterday and again this evening but it didn't amount to much. That's okay. This made me very, very happy. It won't last. This week the temps will be in the 60s.

There are three TV shows I really do not enjoy missing, and one was on tonight: OH! It was a particularly good episode tonight! The second one is on Tuesday nights, Boston Legal: What's odd about this is, I never liked James Spader in anything until I saw him first on The Practice, and now Boston Legal. I always thought him somewhat of a wuss but clearly he's an excellent actor, and I feel he's really spread his wings in the past few years. And then the third show is of course Survivor: (Yes Sharmy, I FOUND IT and no one can delete my image hosting account again!) That one's on Thursday night and Daddy and I always watch it together, while we munch on popcorn -- which I don't much care for but he adores. But it's tradition for us, one of our Daddy/Daughter activities.

I'm exhausted and it's almost not my birthday anymore but I want to thank my parents for being my parents. I love them dearly, more and more every single day.

Michigan Super Bowl Etiquette

For those who will be attending the Super Bowl tomorrow, which does not include me, thankfully!

For all non-Michiganders coming to the Super Bowl this weekend:

1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s Deh-TROIT, not DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-troit we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the country music hoe-down.
2. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 am to 10:00 am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.
3. If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you’re first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before crossing the intersection. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.
4. Schoenherr and Gratiot can only be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area.
5. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375, the Lodge and the Southfield freeways are a way of life. Cope.
6. If someone has their turn signal on it is either a factory defect or they are out-of-towners.
7. All old men (or women) with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.
8. Stop signs are optional.
9. Speed limits are merely suggestions.
10. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 and I-275 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Don’t even think of allowing more than one car length between vehicles.
11. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is not ornamental. Do not get out of your car to take pictures.
12. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says “Keep honking, I’m reloading.” He/she is.
13. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone people are not waving because they are so friendly in Detroit. I suggest you duck.
14. I-275 and I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.
15. That’s not a lake, it’s a pothole.
16. If someone tells you it’s on Outer Drive you better hope you have a map.
17. The Michigan left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make another left, then make a right when you get back to the intersection where you wanted to turn left in the first place. Now you have gone left.
18. Those 2 really ugly arches over Telegraph? Don’t ask, we don’t know either.
Thanks to Tamityville!


Special Notes to:
Crusty Cousin - Get well soon, sweetheart!
Sister - Thank you, and you know what for.

Family News

Good morning! Okay so it's ten till noon -- that's still morning Central time. Just took my morning meds (I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!) so I figure between the Ritalin and double-shot espresso I should be rarin' to go here directly. First of all, let me tell my Large Font Lovers I have been listening, and after deep thought on the subject I have decided to grant your request. Until the next time I forget to reset the size of the font.

I've been busy this morning because as usual, everyone wants a piece of me. The newest request comes from my auntie who lives across the road, the other half of my Uncle Steve who still languishes in hospital. Aunt Pat was terrorized by two pit bulls who are owned by a couple who live down the road in a place she and Uncle Steve rent to them. She scooped up the two cats, Tom and Blackie Boy, throwing them in the garage and then ran for the house. Aunt Pat said she heard I'm good w/ a .357 Mag and hinted perhaps I could avail myself to some target practice the next time I see those two pit bulls. Which, unfortunately, is not illegal if I feel threatened. Here's the deal: The dogs bullied Aunt Pat and Aunt Brenda this morning (Aunt Brenda was outside puffing, the poor soul -- bleah!); I find out today they were on my auntie's front porch yesterday when my mom was there taking care of Jaden, the yappie little Yorkie and Mom was trapped; Aunt Pat also said once recently when I let Legs out the two pit bulls had been in my side yard and she was concerned had they still been there they would have killed Legs; Further, she was concerned about them attacking the horses ... So I told her maybe I could do a little "target shooting" the next time I see those four-legged bullies coming down the road. And then I thought, "EGAD! What did I just say?" I must be out of my gourd ... Could I really murder another living being? I mean, really? I can't even go hunting w/ my da, I cringe every time I hear a rifle because I know another Bambi just bit the dust. And then I remembered I once killed a nasty black snake right here in my circular driveway because I was afraid it would attack my little wolf. Thinking back, sometimes I really don't use the brain the Good Lord give me, do I? Anyway, I killed it and it didn't even gross me out until much later in the day. But a dog ... I guess it would depend on how threatening I felt it was.

That done, our conversation turned to Uncle Steve who has been hospitalized since the day before Thanksgiving, 2005 w/ the exception of the six hours between his release from the triple-bypass surgery and the onset of the stroke. For the past at least six weeks he's been having "muscle spasms" in his right leg, painful muscle spasms. For some time he gritted his teeth until the pain caused him to lose consciousness but now he screams out. On Monday they kept him so deeply sedated that he slept from 9.00 am until ... I don't know when he ever woke up but when I spoke to Cousin Tara at 9.30 pm he was still conked out. That was when the neurology team here contacted Vanderbilt University Medical Center for advice, which they took but has done absolutely no good whatsoever. As of Thursday Vanderbilt has agreed to admit him however, they're waiting for a bed. When one comes open they'll transfer Uncle Steve there and hopefully a solution will be found. One neurologist here said, "I've been doing this for fifteen years and I've never seen a case like this. We don't know what else we can do." This is not the best news I could give you, or that we could receive. I have not known Uncle Steve to be so near death, and that frightens me. I love him dearly and I don't feel his job is finished here yet.

On a good note, Crusty Cousin sent me the following. Our family was born and bred in IL as you know. Enjoy, and please know every statement is true. Oh so true ... *lol*

Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
November through March, you might
live in Illinois.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for
five months out of the year,
you might live in Illinois.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving
round the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois.

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the
same time, you might live in
Illinois.

If your town has an equal number of bars and
churches, you might live in
Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ILLINOISAN WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I55
for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer
more than once.

4. You o ften switch from heat to AC in the same
day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You carry jumper cables in your car and your
girlfriend knows how to use them.

7. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit
over a snowsuit.

8. Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.

9. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter,
winter, still winter, road construction, and It's Hot.

10. Your idea of creative landscaping is a
statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

11. Down south means Missouri to you.

12. A brat is something you eat.

13. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

14. You have more miles on your snow blower than
your car.

15. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".

16. When the temperature reaches 50 degrees, it
is a heat wave, time to bring out the short
sleeve sweaters.

17. You actually understand these jokes, and you
forward them to all your Illinois friends. (What's not to understand???)

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. While you're doing that I'm posting my favorite movie quote of all time:

From Midnight Run (1988)
Starring Charles Grodin, Dennis Farina, Martin Brest, Robert De Niro, Yaphet Kotto
Jimmy Serrano: "Is this moron #1? Put moron #2 on the phone."

Okay, so it's a private joke ... You had to be there.

More later --

Questions Answered

My great friend Shannon posted this at her website and I thought it was entertaining as well as interesting. Mine, I assure you, will not be so. However, you might find out something about me you hadn't known previously.

1. Initials: SMD
2. Name someone with the same birthday as you: Abraham Lincoln -- 12 February
3. Favorite fruit? Mango and banana
4. For or against same sex marriage? Definitely against! "Marriage" in the bible is defined as a union between man and woman. However, I am not against civil unions.
5. Are you allergic to anything? Sulfas (meds) and sagebrush
6. What kind of car do you drive? A big SUV and a little imported sportscar
7. Have you ever slept in someone elses clothes? Yes -- guys t shirts
8. To how many U.S. states have you been? It would take less space to list states I haven't been.
9. In how many of the U.S states have you lived? See above, it applies as well
10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S? No
11. Name something physical you like about yourself? The only thing I like about myself: My eyes and lately that's questionable.
12. Something non-physical you like about yourself? I have a tender heart
13. Do you have any pets? A wolf hybrid Legs; Siamese Roger, Tuxedo kitten Gown and the horseys. Yes, they are pets, very very large pets ...
14. What is your dream car? A Lotus
15. If you could go anywhere in the world right now where would you go? Back to Hawai'i
16. Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex sleep over? Uh ... yes.
17. Are you bipolar? Are you kidding me? What planet have you been living on not to know the answer to that?
18. What dream car do you want your husband/wife to drive? I'm extremely unattached
19. What color car? Are you blind? All I ever buy is a burgundy-type
20. Where would you want to go on a first date? No idea. Who would have me?
21. Would you date the person who posted this before you? She's a sweetheart but she's a she. So, no. No, thank you.
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? Oh yes, many times.
23. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Yes, a couple of years ago.
24. Do you like president Bush? I am disappointed w/ some of his politics.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped? No. But I might.
26. Have you ever white-water rafted? Not exactly, but I have gotten into some exciting situations in a canoe on a river w/ some unexpected rapids.
27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? Yes.
30. Are you racist? Absolutely not.
31. What song are you listening to right now? Whoa Black Betty Bamalam by Lynyrd Skynyrd, Let's Get It Started by Black Eyed Peas, Rollin' by Big & Rich, Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde, Live Those Songs by Kenny Chesney, Gone by Montgomery Gentry, Beer For My Horses by Toby Keith/Willie Nelson, Last Survivor by Hurricane Party -- I think you get the idea.
32. What's your favorite song at the moment? I have lots but in my truck CD player right now is Songs About Me by Trace Adkins
33. What was the last movie you watched? Usual Suspects. Again. It was on TV and I was too lazy to use the remote.
35. Where was the last place you went today besides your house? I've not been off the ranch today as yet.
36. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? Uh ... Yes. I've spray painted car headlights black, stuffed Limburger cheese in defroster vents ... That's all I'm admitting to.
37. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Of course! But it's been a very long time. I am not pretty anymore and even if I was I lack any self-confidence.
39. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes, smile, teeth
40. What's your favorite body part on the opposite sex? Cowboy butts drive me nuts!
41. What do you usually order from Starbucks? Why do you assume I even go to Starbucks? Okay, I admit to an addiction -- either Caffè Mocha or Caramel Macchiato. Son of Sam used to order them w/ whipped cream on top for me but somehow I can never remember.
44. Say something totally random about yourself. It always terrifies me flying over the Pacific for five hours on the way to Hawai'i. Also, I think I'll buy a new TV today. I'm using a borrowed 19" that belongs to my Geezers since my 32" (?) croaked and I hate this one.
45. Do you have an iPod? Yes, a Nano. But it's never been out of the box and I didn't purchase it for myself. In fact, it was wrapped as a gift and I've not touched it. It still sits in another box w/ various other items in the shop.
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Never, but I have the body type of Barney the Dinosaur.
49. Do you have freckles? No.
49. Are you comfortable with your height? Not at all. I'm short so I tend to wear my cowboy boots or others w/ a heel to give me more height.
50. Do you like someone right now? Like? I like lots of people. Everyone.
51. How tall are you? 5'3" -- very short.
52. Do you speak a language other than English? No, just bits and pieces of Spanish and Italian.
55. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Oh yes, many times. *BLUSH*
56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? Yes. My daddy, both sets of grandparents, my dearest uncle, my police Major in STL. -- many, many more.
57. Do you watch MTV? Never.
58. What's something which really annoys you? Snotty people, big fat liars, uppity people.
59. What are some things you really like? Concerts, the ocean, I love riding my Palomino
60. Do you like Michael Jackson? N. O. = NO!
62. Have you ever surfed? No. But Son of Sam has. He's not human, he's a bipedal dolphin.
63. Do you know how to pump gas? Well, who doesn't? Lovey would never go bye bye if I didn't. (18 hideous mpg)
64. Do you drive? Of course!
65. What's the latest you have ever stayed out? Uh ... Sometimes I leave for "coffee" or shopping and don't return for two or three days. LOL
66. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? I honestly did to the point where I had my will done. And I have since then as well but it didn't pan out.
67. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Uh ... Yes. Several times.
68. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do? Oh yes, and I did it anyway. I despise losing.
69. What's your favorite state to live in? Perhaps Arizona -- I've been thinking of relocating there, but haven't yet made a firm decision.

So. Did you learn anything about me you didn't know previously? Do tell!

Anger Management

My sister, God love her, sent me this today. You have no idea how much I needed a horse laugh this morning and I hope it gives you one as well. I do have anger management problems -- except I keep every single thing bottled up inside me and eventually have an outburst perhaps once or twice a year -- twice at the most. But what this guy did has really got me thinking ... Just the phone calling part, not the rest. You know you can block your number from Caller I.D. Read on, and laugh till tears stream down your cheeks! I did.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***in number! " and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works...

Happy birthday today to Annie aka The Susie. She's The Duck's wife, making her The Susie ... Get it?

Wiped Out

I am exhausted beyond belief -- I don't think I've recuperated from my last trip to the casino yet however, I just stumbled across something tonight I felt you deserve to read.

How To Piss People Off:

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Fifty bucks goes to the first person who guesses how many of these I've actually done. Hehehehe ... Before someone gets all hostile (and you know who you are, Crusty) that doesn't mean I'd do any of these things again! Does it? Remember, I'm the one put fun in dysfunctional!

Happy birthday to my mommy and my auntie today!!