Deer Season? and Other Southernisms

Call me crazy but there's just something wrong when Opening Day arrives and it's 78°. Maybe not crazy ... I'm a Yankee, I'll never become accustomed to that. Am I still a Yankee? It's hard to say ... Some of these rednecks have really rubbed off on me quite a bit like the Duck, James and his mama Miss Pauline, Mr. John L., and so on. It's a long list.

For example, the preacher at church was worried sick about the bubs. He needed more bubs and he didn't know how he was going to get to the old bubs. Of course, none of our clan knew what he was talking about until it became evident: Some of the lights in the cathedral ceiling in the sanctuary were burned out and needed to be replaced. "The light bubs!" And they all say bubs down here.

Here's another one everyone says: English peas. Guess what they are? Listen, I can whip up ham steak and red-eye gravy as good as the next person but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what English peas were. Mama finally pinned Miss Pauline down and got to the bottom of it. They're peas. Yup, canned, frozen, or fresh -- they're plain old green peas. Pardon me, English peas.

Now my grandmama was a southern woman and she like to drove us two girls crazy when we were little w/ her sayings of wisdom. Let me rephrase that: Crusty Cousin and her like to drove me crazy because I was trusting and gullible and believed ever word said to me. The following are some of our grandmama's, others are from womenfolk down here:
If you wash dishes and the front of your shirt gets wet, chances are you'll marry a drunk.
A severed head from a snapping turtle, placed in a fork of a tree facing the your house,will eliminate the chance of lightning striking your house.
Saying, "bread and butter", will mitigate the unlucky effects of two people walking on opposite sides of an object.
Hearing two screech owls means sure death.
Don't tickle an infants feet; it will make them stutter when they get old enough to talk.
If a knife drops, a man will come to visit; if a fork drops, a woman will come to visit.
If a picture falls off a wall it is a sign of death.
If a bird flies in the house a death is soon to come.
If your right hand itches, you will receive money; if the left itches, you will get a letter. If your nose itches, company is coming.
Don't go outside with a wet head or you will catch a cold. (My mom still says that to me -- in fact, she said it to me today, fresh on her mind because I've had bronchitis.)
Don't look at anything scary while you are pregnant or it will mark your baby.
If you drink coffee it will stunt your growth.
If you cross your eyes they will stay that way.
It's bad luck to walk under a ladder, or let a black cat cross your path. However,
there are two ways of stopping a run of bad luck if you walk under a ladder by accident. Cross your fingers and keep them crossed until you see a dog, or spit on your shoe and let it dry.
It's bad luck to pick up a coin if it's tails side up. Good luck comes if it's heads up.
A horseshoe, hung above the doorway, will bring good luck to a home. (I actually have one of Snickerdoodle's baby shoes above my front door. Have I been lucky? Not so much but I still like having my Palomino's shoe there.)
To predict the sex of a baby: Suspend a wedding band held by a piece of thread over the palm of the pregnant girl. If the ring swings in an oval or circular motion the baby will be a girl. If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy. (Crusty and I did that w/ her daughter and my son. We were wrong!!)
If you eat carrots you will never need glasses.

And there are more, yeah. I'll have to double check on the New Year's thing they do down here. I do know just about everyone I'm friends w/ has hog jowls, cabbage and black-eye peas on New Year's Day and they all mean something. I believe cabbage is for money in the coming year, the peas I got no clue and I don't even want to think about what dang old hog jowls could be for. All the markets have sales on hog jowls soon after Christmas and I know for a fact Mr. Griggs has 'em because he invited me to his house for dinner last year. God bless him, I love that old guy. Mr. Griggs owns the Big Star market in town. Wally World hasn't put him outta business yet!

On Sunday is the annual Thanksgiving Dinner at church. Well, Mama has to get all het up about things, everything has to be just so -- and I'm really not faulting her, but she does stress about it and that I dislike. She approached the preacher's wife Wanda about having a meeting to decide what everyone would bring on Sunday. Wanda always brings the turkey because the church purchases it, so that was taken care of. The way they do things down here is just like Wanda said, "Everyone will bring something, don't you worry about that." That's how they do it. But my mom was pretty adamant, afraid everyone would bring the same thing so everyone needed to be called and told what to bring. And, I suspect, some needed to be told to bring something otherwise they'd skip it cause you know there's some that's tighter than a bull's butt at fly time. Right off the top of my head ... Let me think. Wanda's doing the turkey, Mama's doing dressing and noodles, my baby sister Tonya is bringing steamed vegetables ... Everything has done flown out my head, I can't remember but there's a great long list! Oh! Jewell is bringing corn and Sue is making creamed potatoes. Not mashed potatoes, down here they're creamed potatoes. I said "mashed" to someone in a restaurant here while back and girl looked at me like I had a wart on the end of my nose. And what's my meager contribution? Evidently, no one at church knows how to make giblet gravy. Of all things! So of course I was volunteered to do that, and that's fine, I don't mind. I might make Samantha's Famous Gooey Butter Cake too! Woo-hoo!

I had a brainstorm on Monday. I was so intelligent and so in the zone I should have bought a lottery ticket! I had to break down and get reading glasses. Sigh. But it's nice to know exactly where my vision is at since my eyeballs haven't been looked at since I had laser surgery. My far vision is -- GASP! -- 20/10!! My eyeballs are healthy, I have no problems w/ night vision, etc. But up close I'm blind as a bat. Seriously, I can't read a dang newspaper (I really miss that)! I've been callin' my mama to look up phone numbers for me because I can't see the dang ol' phone book. Poor me. Well, I really didn't want to do this. I didn't want to do it, I wrestled w/ it, I knew I had to do it but I also knew I'd never find frames I liked. Stupid. I know. At least I can admit it. But just before I went in to the Eye Doc's office I remembered my son's glasses. He's put them in the glove compartment before we went in for his Lasik and there they'd stayed allllll this time. I grabbed them, put them in my pocket and come pert near to forgetting them! But I remembered and now my reading glasses will be in my son's gorgeous frames. Woo-hoo! They were so cute on him so they'll be great on me too. I mean, we're just about one in the same -- if they look good on him, they'll look fabulous on me. They have to be reworked just a little but they'll fit. I'm happy! I'll get them I believe on Friday. And then I'll be like Eddie Murphy in Trading Places: "I can see! It's a miracle, I can see!"

Finally:
The Redneck Word of the Day: Portuguese
"We got are limit, now portugeuse in the truck and let's git on home."

Oh me ...

I just got Precious out and back in, and soon's we get in bed she'll be looking for her two cookies (they're actually Milk Bones). I'm tired. When Daddy hunts, I wake up early. Why? Because he fires up the ATV and Precious hates it! It sort of wakes me up while she tries to gnaw through the door to get at it. She loathes the tractor, Daddy's motorcycle, anything loud. She barks and bites the tires ... Sigh! My wolf is a moron.

Later~