A Quickie

Crusty Cousin swears this is true:
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls when they don't have to. When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1 800 FREE 411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call. This is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.

From my great friend Darrell:
Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

From Sister:
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .. numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..."You want....Chicken wiff Broccori?"

Oh dear ... *blush*

And I finally discovered how to potty train a kitty!



Gotta go, I'm on the run!

Crappy Weather and Cool Sites

Yesterday it rained and rained and rained and stormed and stormed and stormed. I didn't think it was ever gonna stop! But it finally did today, after about 30 straight hours. The sun came out later and it was actually very nice out but then the sun set and now it's cold outside, 42° w/a breeze. BRR! One week ago today -- GASP! -- it actually SNOWED! It was gorgeous coming down and it dusted the grass. Of course the next day it was 67° and POOF! It was history. It really gave me a charge though. Yeah, I'm very easily amused. Today I took Legs to the vet for her yearlyimmunizations and a nail clip. She got pretty pissy when the vet drew blood on one of her nails, ended up snapping at Brenda, so they muzzled her and she really lost it then! I started yelling at Legs but Brenda and Vicki (assistant) reminded me Legs is a rescue, and "we don't know what kind of life she had previously," so I shouldn't be so hard on her. I found her behavior quite inexcusable, I was furious! So when I got my nails done I left her in her kennel in the TrailBlazer, gave her 90 minutes to cool her heels and think about her misbehavior. I don't think it did any good. But I'm leaving for Harrah's and I have a gazillion and one things to do before I leave. Taking Legs to the vet was one of them. I'm still pretty angry at her but maybe some Cool Sites will take my mind off it?

Time was, you'd have to scan a thick, dog-eared book to select a baby's name. After awhile, the names would start to blur together. The new way to find the perfect name is to go online to Think! Baby Names. You can search under General, Name, Name Prefix, Name Suffix or Meaning. Or, if you prefer, consider names from other countries. By the way, the site also ranks the most popular baby names by year.
THINK

Here I go again: I'm fixin' to rag on you about Firefox, why are you still using the horrible and outdated Internet Explorer? Perhaps this will change your mind. These days, computer users are deep in battle with adware and spyware. Given the programming ability on the dark side, Microsoft's Internet Explorer is just too dangerous and Firefox is fast and, so far, safe. Firefox has some great add-ons, too. Known as extensions, they make the browser more convenient to use. Auto Copy, for example, automatically sends selected text to your clipboard. And FlashGot handles massive downloads.
FIREFOX EXT
But remember, you gotta have Firefox first!
GOTTA HAVE IT

And now ...

TO: Legs, Roger and Gown
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still at least two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The steps were not designed by NASCAR and it's not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object and tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Try to locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. You know who you are, Legs.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me on this one please. I've been using the bathroom for years ... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on me, or smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much that makes anyone else laugh.
8. LEGS: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it. (Thank God those days are over and yes, she may as well have had GUILTY printed on her forehead when she did it.)
9. ROGER: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. LEGS, ROGER AND GOWN: The proper order is kiss me, THEN go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door:
RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PETS:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal; to me, it is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids in some ways. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Now, don't even get me started on the horses ... God's most magnificent creatures!

At this site put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the below link. What happens is pretty interesting. It's also amazing how quickly it computes!! Very cool. Send it on to all you think might like a bit of trivia!!
AGE
Thanks go to Crusty Cousin!

Filed under: Even I Can't Believe It:
Man faked death to avoid child support; 'Ultimate deadbeat dad' now owes more than $30,000 for two kids.
DEADBEAT

Filed under: Could I BE Any Happier?
Coach Pat Summitt Gets 900th Career Win!!
YEEHAW


In related news:
Pat Summit Swimsuit Calendar Not Selling Very Well
Knoxville, TN – Marketing executives at Wall-of-Fame™ Productions, a local manufacturer of swimsuit calendars, reported Tuesday that orders for Pat Summit: Hot, Wet ’n’ Wild swimsuit are just not coming in as expected.
Wall-of-Fame spent nearly $225,000 to shoot, produce and distribute nearly one million calendars featuring the cold, gangly, granite-faced, 52-year-old Tennessee coach in various states of provocative, exotic beach attire.
However, to date, they’re yet to receive a single order.
"We figured that with Pat’s reputation as one of the finest and most successful coaches in NCAA women’s basketball history – not to mention her almost Goddess-like celebrity status here in Knoxville – this was a 'lay-up' so to speak, and we figured we’d clear a million, million-five easily," said Wall-of-Fame President and Chief Marketing Officer, Joshua Blasingame.
"We figured wrong," he sighed.
"I thought any red-blooded male would go ga-ga over the thong-and-conch-shell shot we used for November," he continued. "That got me hard just looking at it. But hey, that’s just me, I'm a big Lady Vols fan so what do I know?"
Blasingame also confirmed that the company recently spent another $200,000 on a national television and radio advertising campaign using the tagline, "The Summitt of Sexiness." However, the ads – which fetaured Summitt in various states of undress – were quickly pulled from major networks after stations received hundreds of thousands of complaint calls and letters.
Wall-of-Fame has sinced filed for Chapter 11.
"I was hoping all of these would at least help us climb out of the hole we dug after that Lane Lovelies: Women of the Pro Bowlers Tour calendar fiasco last year," Blasingame said, pointing out to his warehouse floor, completely barren except for the thousands of unopened Summitt calendar boxes that were returned by angry distributors who have since filed a class-action lawsuit.
"There’s no accounting for taste, I guess."


That's it for now --

Samantha's Picks

I love this site! You've heard the expression, "everyone's a critic"? Well, on Movie Mistakes, everyone's a nitpicker. The site documents continuity errors, dialogue flubs, and costume mishaps from Gone With the Wind (at least 50 mistakes), King Kong (more than 45 mistakes) and nearly every flick in between. If you think Citizen Kane is the end-all/be-all of technical perfection, this list of user-submitted slips could change your mind (12 mistakes logged so far). Convinced Lord of the Rings is the greatest cinematic achievement since Star Wars? You may want to retire your hobbit ears after seeing this epic list of blunders. But before you start rolling your eyes at the sheer geekiness of it all, keep in mind these errors are lovingly submitted by movies' biggest fans. They just happen to be a little more obsessed with being right than the rest of us. MOVIE MISTAKES

The Mojave Desert hosts a large population of people who are nuts about airplanes. It's also a place where old planes go to die, new experimental planes get put through their paces, and (as of last year) the occasional private spaceship lands. Helicopter mechanic and aviation photographer Alan Radecki observes the comings and goings of Mojave's main drag in this very cool photoblog. If it flies, it's here: rocket planes, presidential helicopters, global flyers, even a junior rocketeer convention. Hey "Lost" fans, where did that broken-up airplane come from? MOJAVE WEBLOG

The satellites and massive telescopes of space just got alot closer. International Space Station? Check. Weather satellites, U.S. Navy monitoring orbs? They're here. Thanks to the Missions Operations Laboratory at NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center, we now know right where they all are. From the Chandra Observatory to hundreds of artificial objects "swarming about our earth," much of what is hovering up there can be tracked and scrutinized from the comfort of the Web. Once launched, each of the mapping applications available here runs live, and several offer stunning 3D positioning. Rotate the displays, zoom in or out, and select coordinates. Then, just before you tear yourself away, sign up for an email alert so you can receive advance notice of future objects passing overhead. NASA

I love this site too -- I guess I have a darker sense of humor than previously thought. How about some real-life famous last words? Enter Wikipedia. "I am not the least afraid to die," boasted a confident Charles Darwin at the end. Sigmund Freud, meanwhile, came up with the rather less dignified "This is absurd! This is absurd!" before he finally gave up the ghost. The collection of quotes here is fascinating, from the insulting ("All right then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick." -- Lope de Vega) to the sublime ("I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis" -- Humphrey Bogart). So if you're looking for insight into some of the world's most celebrated people (or endings), in the words of Giuseppe Zangara, "Go ahead. Pusha da button!" LAST WORDS

Movie Quote of the day:
Better Off Dead (1985)
Monique Junot: He keeps putting his testicles all over me. (Speaking of Ricky.)
Lane Meyer: Excuse me?
Monique Junot: You know, like octopus? Testicles?
Lane Meyer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Big difference.

And finally ...

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he
decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and
split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart.
So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field
in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up
at 5 a.m. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty
miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the
morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud,
they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.
So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station
wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out
of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside
and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn!"

Links and Fun Stuff!

My animals are driving me completely out of my skull this morning! Legs can't seem to get enough attention, Roger keeps jumping in my lap and pointing those fingertips in my clavicle and Gown sits on top of the chair behind my head, nibbling on my hair and poking me w/ her fingers. This is the usual routine, but today I'm simply not in the mood! Do you ever get in that mood like, "Just leave me alone!" I realize they don't understand what my problem is but one day per year I get like this when I just want them off me. I'm not in a bad mood today -- I just feel like they are pushing me into a corner and today's not the day. Ordinarily I take their abuse w/ a smile because after all, they didn't ask to be born, I wanted them. You know what I mean. Okay, maybe I'm in sort of a bad mood -- I'm angry w/ myself over something. On to the links!

Runner dies after crossing finish line at Disney half-marathon. Witnesses claim he was heavily Animated and acting Goofy before the Rescuers took him away. LINK

Baltimore seeks hip, catchy slogan to draw tourists. Apparently "Watch our murder rate rise" wasn't catching on. LINK

Quentin Tarantino pissed off at James Bond producers for failing to contact him following his request to direct next 007 movie. LINK

Man with entirely too much time on his hands amuses himself by painting his house different colors when his wife isn't around. LINK

Viagra, Levitra and Cialis get the shaft when NFL, after thinking long and hard, decides to pull out of sponsor deal. Said a spokesman for Viagra, "That's nuts." LINK

Twenty-one percent of Americans surveyed think the best way to accumulate several hundred-thousands of dollars is through the lottery. LINK

I recently saw this ... thing on Jimmy Kimmel Live and since my great friend Shannon loves monkeys I of course had to investigate it. This is what I found:

"Alive" Chimpanzee So Real, It's Unreal!

* Amazing "Alive" Chimpanzee is a fully animated, life-size bust of the real animal.
* "Alive" Chimpanzee can see, hear and feel in ways that allow him to interact intelligently with you, your family, your guests...and with baffled strangers.
* Soulful eyes track movements using infrared "radar" vision; his ears have stereoscopic sound sensors; his skin reacts to contact with touch sensors all around.
* Four distinctive emotional moods include "Curious," "Happy," "Fearful" and "Feisty."
* Override his "natural" autonomous mode by using the wireless controller to communicate specific commands as far as 30 feet away.
* A Sharper Image worldwide exclusive.

Ooooooooh, feisty! I can scarcely think of anything more terrifying than a feisty chimpanzee! Shannon, I know you want one of these to keep you company when "Monkey" is at work so here's the LINK Oh no, thanks are not necessary. Your terror is thanks enough for me! Seriously, when I saw this thing on Jimmy Kimmel it was petrifying! Creepy.

Another Redneck Dog but not James' dog -- you know he got the Blue Tick triplets:



Just to refresh your memory:



And while we're on the subject:



You think that's funny? I'm the one lives here!

Later --

Saturday, How Exciting.

Yes it's Saturday, the day I should be planning on what I'm going to be doing this evening. However, as a favor to my daddy my plans are already made, at least up to a point. Bruce, Tonya, Justin and new baby are coming to dinner and Daddy really wants me to be home. The baby was a surprise to everyone as Tonya didn't know she was pregnant until she was almost six months! (I'm not going there.) And then little Valencia Danny (named after both paternal grandfathers) came about two weeks early. I think they're calling him Vance ... Oh well! I can't wait to get my hands on him! He'll call my parents Gammy and Papa. Mom's not doing all the cooking and is sharing the duties w/ me only because she doesn't know how to make my Famous Garlic Breadsticks. That alone will prevent me from because I have been very queasy of late. Give me a breadstick and a salad and I'm good to go.

I have a new baby in my family too! Sister Carrie's oldest Stephanie delivered a gorgeous baby girl last month! Kayleigh May weighed 7lbs., 6oz. and is such a chow hound she's been gaining weight rapidly! Carrie is beyond herself w/ joy which is always happy news for me. She's been through some trials and deserves much happiness.

It's cold outside today, 39° and windy but the rest of the week it's back to the 60° range which just drives me nuts! Last week three days in a row it ws in the 70s. I'm not the most intelligent person in the world but something tells me I'm not gonna see any like this. It did flurry some a few days ago but that didn't give me the charge a real snow would.

I have to do a few things in my nest today: and and . Mom has already spit shined her house including her already spotless kitchen floor. Now she's stomping holes in the floor, pacing, waiting ... She always does that as she does not wait well. My only prayer today is that I don't get into it w/ my parents and as I did when the Ducks were here. I totally embarrassed myself.

Oh! That reminds me! I've been wearing the most fantastic makeup since I went away on vacation -- and this is really true: "i.d makeup is about being true to your i.d. entity. Bare Escentuals® started the revolution in mineral makeup with the introduction of our 100% pure bareMinerals®. bareMinerals goes way beyond foundation. Imagine wearing creamy, feather-light color all over your face, cheeks and eyes. bareMinerals buff on so light and smooth that you'll forget you're wearing any makeup at all. Better still, bareMinerals contain no oils or binders - which means their all-natural color stays true all day. It's makeup so pure you can sleep in it." I know, now I sound like an infomercial right? But let me tell you, I had become disillusioned w/ traditional foundations because it felt like I was wearing glue on my face. Seriously! It's humid in the south and I could feel it melting ... melting! I had tried everything from every store from Wally World to Sephora and I'd been hearing a lot about bareMinerals but felt it was just too expensive. Then in October my financial load disappeared and I was able to again spend as I wished. Finally I decided to take the plunge -- after talking to a couple more friends who are longtime users of this stuff. Trust me when I say I will never go back to the "other" stuff. I do not have a hideously ugly complexion but this stuff makes me gorgeous! And for me to say that about myself is nothing short of a miracle.

Yesterday in the mail I received a letter from Harrah's -- gasp! I love mail from casinos! They offered me a room rate of $30 per night (as opposed to $419 - $699) and sent a coupon good for chips at the blackjack table! I can't recall the denomination though -- I didn't read the letter, Daddy did. The offer is good just this month ... You know I'm going. I mean, I have to!

It's now 1.45 pm so I guess it's time to get busy. Hope one and all have a lovely weekend! Wish me luck, okay?

More later --

I Tried ... Plus Cool Sites!

I really, really tried but I just couldn't help myself -- I have to talk about this. Today, on my MSN Homepage what do I find staring at me? The Top Ten Lies Happy Husbands Tell. I kid you not. Allow me to elucidate -- along w/ my comments in italics:

"Sure, honey, that dress looks fine."
Why he tells it: Hassle avoidance
Truth: He's ignoring you and doesn't care what you look like.

"I can fix it."
Why he tells it: Ego protection
Truth: He hopes he can fix it, and if he can't this is a good way to put you off.

"I was not looking at her boobs."
Why he tells it: To achieve a delicate balance between marital harmony and 4 million years of biological conditioning
Truth: He's a big fat liar. You know and he knows you know he was looking at her boobs.

"Nothing's wrong."
Why he tells it: To lick his wounds in private
Truth: One of the biggest sins -- he's pouting.

"I tried to call you."
Why he tells it: Self-defense
Truth: The biggest sin -- he's a big fat liar.

"I don't want to have sex unless you want to."
Why he tells it: To avoid seeming like a sex-crazed monkey
Truth: Can we talk? I have never heard those words spoken to me. But I'm gonna guess it's because he wants to appear "sensitive" to you so you'll cave.

"I'm the best, baby."
Why he tells it: To make you glad you're with him
Truth: He believes it and is making a lame attempt to convince you. My last exboyfriend used to say that to me all the time. He's lame.

"My old girlfriend? She was just okay."
Why he tells it: Self-preservation
Truth: At the risk of sounding redundant, he's a big fat liar.

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."
Why he tells it: Desperate self-preservation
Truth: Two words -- Bill and Clinton.

"I'll never lie to you."
Why he tells it: To live happily ever after
Truth: He's a big fat liar.

This now concludes my Dating/Relationships Lesson for today. Incidentally, the article was written by a man. Surprise! On to the Cool Sites!

This Cool Site brings new life to the classic game Twenty Questions. Artificial life, that is. The game works the same as it did when you were a child. However, now you’re playing against an artificial mind. Start by thinking up an object. Or you can think of something intangible, if you like. Then, you’ll be asked a series of questions. Your choices are “yes,” “no,” “maybe,” or one of several other responses. It is my duty to warn you that this can become addictive. And if you don’t like to be beaten by a machine, skip this site!
TwentyQ

Have you ever been tempted by a product you saw on an infomercial? Come on, admit it -- you have! I never buy anything via TV. If I get it at Bed, Bath and Beyond I can return it when I do indeed find out that when it was actually too good to be true. But with this Cool Site you can find out what others are saying before you buy it. At Infomercial Reviews, you can read others’ experiences with particular products and companies. So before you buy, find out what’s true and what isn’t.
InfoReview


Now this is a Cool Site I just ran across and can really utilize! And if you’re thinking of moving also, check out City-Data. It’s a clearinghouse of information on cities across America. Select a city to view vital statistics. Population, crime data, and median income and property values are available. You can also see which cities make the top 100 in a variety of categories. The lists include safest cities and cities with the highest median income. The stats can become a little overwhelming –- this is a lot of data. So, if there are too many numbers, browse the photos. There are pictures of many of the cities. Plus, you can access weather forecasts and climate summaries.
CityData

More later --

Note to Self #4

My mom has been battling tooth and nail w/ Avon ever since she's lived down here. There are a half dozen representatives listed in the phone book but for some reason no one wants to do business w/ my mom. Permit me to stress, they don't even know Mom so that couldn't possibly be why all the Avon reps down here are avoiding her. They're just totally lackadaisical when it comes to selling Avon, apparently to anyone. In fact, that would be the general attitude concerning just about everything in the south -- no one seems to get too het up about anything 'less another southerner is in need. And then look out, here they come a-flyin'! So today after a week of waiting for a couple of different Avon-Lady-No-Shows (also No-Calls) I said, "Jeez Mom. Why don't you try eBay? It really is like the commercial, you can find anything on eBay." She responded that she didn't know anything about eBay and Daddy is just too busy to help her. I told her I'd take care of it, and I did. I located the product she wants which is just now on the market, I placed a bid and now she's calling me every two minutes to ask if "we're still the high bidder." Yes, we certainly are! But this brings me to

Note to Self #4:
Think before you turn your mother into an eBay junkie. It would appear she now has eBay Fever. Nothing good can come of this.

One hour eleven minutes left until bidding ends on Mom's product, and she keeps asking, "Are we still the high bidder?" YUP! We surely are!

On a brighter note, Daddy and I had too much fun when we went to the PBR Championships! We had the best seats in the house for the show and even better, there was only one slight injury and thank you God, it was non-invasive -- no dangling body parts, no gaping wounds or intestines -- we even saw it happen. Dude got his arm jerked out of the socket. That I could deal w/ quite easily. And because we had such great seats we got more up close and personal than I cared to to bulls such as Kid Rock and Slim Shady. These guys are world class bulls -- now you're going to ask what that means, so I'm going to tell you: It's the Buck Factor. This is no kidding. The more they buck, the better the bull. And they looked so docile in the corrals before they were brought in. However, I did happen to notice they scored quite high in the Ugly Category. As you can see, neither Kid Rock or Slim Shady are anything to write home about. They were right up there in the Stink Factor as well.

In recent news, Bee Gee Barry Gibb bought Johnny and June Carter Cash's home which seems somehow blasphemous to me. I mean, the guy is a Bee Gee for crying out loud! "Barry Gibb is hoping to soak up the inspiration from Johnny Cash's house. Gibb and his wife, Linda, have bought Cash's rustic home in Hendersonville, Tennessee, for an undisclosed amount. (They paid $2.5 million.) Cash and his wife, June Carter Cash, lived there for 35 years -- the entire course of their marriage." Yeah, good luck w/ that "inspiration" there, Barry. It just seems so wrong to me -- this was the beloved home of a Nashville Legend! This is how I remember Johnny: I miss him still.

I just have to note on FoodTV tonight Queen Latifah joins Emeril in the kitchen to cook "Food of Love" -- I don't even want to think about what that could mean because the first thing that springs to mind is warm apple pie -- EGAD! -- and on Iron Chef it's Battle Banana. No I am not making it up.

Update on Uncle Steve:
This is not necessarily a good update. When he first had his stroke Aunt Pat was told by her insurance company that as long as he continued to improve he'd be kept in Rehab at the hospital but last week she was informed that next Tuesday he's got to go. To a nursing home. Today Daddy went to the hospital to visit him and now the story is, he could come home as long as someone took him to an outpatient rehab facility three times per week or he could go inpatient and receive rehab five times per week. There are two inpatient places they're looking at, one in Jackson and one here and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize if he were here it would make the whole family's lives a lot easier. Aunt Pat has been w/ Uncle Steve 24/7 until she returned to work yesterday, but afterwards she was right back at the hospital and went to work from there this morning. I'm not really sure how much thinner she can spread herself but she's not once uttered a single word of complaint. Still, you have to worry about her! It's been nothing but worry around here since the day before Thanksgiving. I don't know that things will ever be the same again w/ Uncle Steve. He can navigate around w/ a walker -- Dude has worked absolutely tirelessly, also w/out a word of complaint -- but he has no use of his right arm. Of course, he's right handed. I wish I had better news about him ...

And Mom has won her auction! I've paid for it and I assume it'll be shipped tomorrow. Oh happy day!

Finally, tonight is a full moon, the Wolf Moon! Oh please don't tell me Legs is going to howl all night because of this ... She puts her nose in the air and howls when she hears sirens (even on TV) and she howls when Daddy sets off one of the car alarms. I say "Daddy" because it's always Daddy who sets them off. Poor soul. I don't know how he does it but every time it happens I dissolve in laughter!

More later --

This is For You, Shan !!

I found this site and whom did I think of first?? Sooooooo irresistable!!

Stuff On My Cat

Another Note

Note to Self #3:
Stop saying "Bite me." Someone actually bit me.

In order to help those in desperate need of dating advice allow me to add the following.

Things to avoid saying on a first date:
1. “Look! I Photoshopped what our future kids will look like.”
2. “Is it OK if my little brother films us?”
3. “Even if you don’t put out, I’m telling everyone you did.”
4. “You’d better chew on this wolfbane, and here, tie this pelt about your loins. It’s … just a precaution.”
5. “Ever done it with a real clown before?
6. “I’m severely lactose-intolerant, but I was craving dairy and had a half gallon of milk right before you showed up.”
7. “I have some Mexicans … um Mexican products in my trunk to drop off first.”
8. “I have fantasies about Dick Cheney.”
9. “I’ve always fantasized about robbing a bank on a first date. Haven’t you?”
10. “Would you like to lose weight with 29 other people?”

*yawn*

It's been a boring day. I could have made it an exciting day but for some reason I chose not to. I did talk to Mama who told me, "My iron broke. I'm calling Daddy to tell him to stop and buy me a new one on the way home. That'll save me a trip in town." Poor Daddy! Now she has him buying an iron? Somehow that seems fiendish of her -- I mean, an iron? However, those two have been together so long obviously they got it going on a whole lot better than the rest of us!

I found an image today that so looks like Legs:

Minus the snow, of course. Legs knows nothing of snow and I doubt she will anytime soon in the lovely south.

At least my parents haven't been obvious about ragging on me about getting married lately. Daddy did buy tickets for the PBR Championships this coming Saturday night, which is a subliminal message -- my penchant for cowboys and cops is known far and wide -- but at least they haven't been hounding me lately. Why would I get married? It's insane! Look at some of our cool single role models:
* Catwoman: Single.
* Buddha: Single.
* The Lone Ranger: Single.
Why limit myself to being dissatisfied by one relationship when I can be dissatisfied by an infinite variety? There’s no such thing as a Stepford Single Woman. I guess I prefer being a guest star instead of a series regular. Along the same lines ...

How to Spot a Potentially Bad Date:

Every woman can relate to the disappointment of a bad date. Not every woman knows how to weasel out of a bad date. Fewer still know the secrets of spotting a potentially bad date. Here is a handy checklist to help you avoid any bad dates in the future.

Grey Flannel Sweat Pants. Nothing says low self-esteem to a woman like a man in sweat pants.
He is wearing fuzzy slippers. No good can come of this.
He insists on bringing his pet on the date. It is a yapping toy poodle. You are going to the opera.
He asks that you to dedicate the date to Beetlejuice.
In an all-you-can-eat buffet line, He proclaims loudly, “You don’t have all I can eat!”
He casually mentions “scoring crack” as a hobby.
NASCAR t-shirt and mullet. Enough said.
His Adam’s Apple is as large as, well, an apple.
He answers every question with a question.
At the date’s onset, he calls his wife to tell her he will be “Out all night with my gay friend.”
He invites you to a Flat Earth Society Meeting.
The knuckles of both his hands are tattoed with the word hate.
He has a coat-hanger antenna hat to ward off psionic death rays from Sirius.
He tells you to wait in the car and keep it running as he dons a ski mask and runs into his bank.
He asks if you been recently vaccinated for Black Plague.
He appears visibly pained by the sun and hisses when confronted with a cross or garlic.
All of his internal organs are external.
His tattoos speak at night.
He insists on eating off the floor without the use of utensils. Or his hands.
Constant references to his ex-wives, all of whom died mysteriously.
He has a significant other ... Siamese Twin.
He mentions that his chicken dinner tastes, “Just like human!”

Yup, I've been on a lot of dates, most of them bad. Very, very bad.

Strange, Dumb and Amusing Links

I'm not doing anything else at the moment so ...

Five credit-card companies grant woman $55,000 in loans despite her admission of having no income:
Link

Burglar forgets to hang up a phone he had just stolen, allowing police to listen to his getaway
Link

The Mars rovers just won't stop roving. Expected to eventually replicate, resulting in an army of evil-rover descendants invading Earth in search of their creator
Link


When driving drunk on New Year's Day, and you're trying to avoid a drunk-driving checkpoint, don't drunkenly drive straight into totally sober police officer
Link

South Dakota's village idiot festival starts up again. I wuz jus' shootin' at da road sign, ossifer
Link

Camilla costs Britons nearly $1 million a year to feed, stable and shoe
Link

In the aftermath of committing a murder you may want to A) change your blood-soaked clothes; B) ditch the murder weapon and C) drive the speed limit. Or you could be like this genius
Link

Report shows that dogs deal with stress better if another dog is with them. Translation: Your dog wants an accomplice, or possibly a scapegoat
Link

Woman enters rare "Reverse Mile High Club", gives birth in airplane bathroom
Link

Man suing Waffle House over not being allowed to get a little milk for coffee. Plans to scatter, smother, cover, chunk, top, pepper, dice, and cap defense team
Link


Man arrested for doing 207Km/h (128 Mph) in his Lamborghini Diablo said he couldn't feel the speed in the vehicle
Link

St. Louis man keeps cobra as pet, secure in knowledge that pets don't bite the hand that feeds them. Story also mentions anti-venom was successfully airlifted
Link

Hail Mary, full of grace, front your cash, I'll spare your face
Link

New talking "Potty Time With Elmo" book freaks kids out by asking "Who Wants To Die?" (with video, audio from book)
Link

Family Finds Raw Meat Instead Of iPod Inside Sealed Box
Link

Holiday Season 2005 is FINALLY OVER!

At long last! It's only now, when the everything is open again, when nothing is closed "in observance of New Year's Day" that I can at long last stop holding my breath. Until 31 October, 2006. It's the same story year after year. This is not news. I have dreaded the holidays w/ a passion that knows no bounds for many years. From 31 October until after New Year's it's like I'm holding my breath. Gotta do the right thing, gotta do the right thing, gotta do what's expected of me ... Now I can finally breathe! And return to my normal status of being a hermit.

Note to self #1:
When the opportunity arises to purchase many candles in the most wonderful containers at a deeply discounted price -- especially since the candles themselves slip easily out of said containers -- don't just stand there like the moron you are and purchase only one!

Note to self #2:
When purchasing DVD's try to leave a few at the store instead of getting them all. Because fine actors such as Johnny Depp, Nicole Kidman or Robert DeNiro star in them it's not a guarantee it's a fine film as well. It turns out they can be in some stinkers as well.

My mom's favorite soap "The Guiding Light" has apparently been canceled w/out any explanation. This throws her entire morning routine off! Usually she prepares breakfast for Daddy and herself which they have while the hideous program is on, from 9.00 - 10.00. Now what are they going to do??I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on the verge of doing Snoopy dances over this. Oh dear ... That was mean. But the change in programming is probably temporary so I feel safe in doing Snoopy dances ... For now.

Daddy stopped by this morning to ask how to get his cellphone off "manner mode." I've done this accidentally twice myself and had to call Verizon for help, as I told him. He said they're on their way to Jackson to visit Uncle Steve so he'll just go into the Verizon store instead of calling. Those two are always fiddling w/ the buttons and they expect me to reset things, which usually I can do but not when it comes to "manner mode." I don't recall how I accidentally got it there, or reset it. Right now they're using my last cellphone. I don't know why I kept the ones I no longer use but I did and I'm so glad! This is kinda funny: Daddy is ... accident prone. Their first phone fell in the river while he was tournament fishing so they used one of my older ones. Then that one popped off the holster on his belt and he drove his truck right over it. He felt the truck roll over it and jumped out to see what he'd smashed -- what was left was very sad. They kept it for awhile, I guess to mourn over it, or more likely to remind Daddy that he's the personification of the term "bull in a china shop." He always has been -- this isn't news either. So now they're using my last phone which is only a little more than a year old. I hope they hang onto that one until I replace the one I'm presently using. Perhaps it would be advantageous for me to buy that Razr this week. You never know w/ those two. Once my mom "lost" their phone for over a week but it turned out to be in her very neatly organized handbag believe it or not.

More later --

The Second Day of 2006

The weather is absolutely hideous today: 70°, sunny and breezy w/ not even a remote chance of snow. Last night I left the rear stable door open after I got Beer For My Horses because I knew it was going to rain, and rain it did, all night long. Maybe we'll have a flake or two of snow next month -- that would be a great birthday gift! But I'm not holding my breath.

I talked to Uncle Rex and Aunt Brenda yesterday. They were over at Uncle Steve's -- Uncle Rex "relieves" Aunt Pat every weekend and stays w/ Uncle Steve overnight on Friday and Sunday. So Uncle Rex said he's been making progress by leaps and bounds! He said he can now move his right arm and hand, that Uncle Steve's hand is very flexible! Aunt Pat is going back to work on 9 January and he's totally fine w/ it. His speech is coming back and he told her to go back to work. This has been such a struggle for him -- for the entire family, but it looks like a semi-happy ending. I don't see Uncle Steve ever being what he once was but even now he's doing things I wondered if he'd ever do.

In the latest example of false advertising a Las Vegas bodybuilder and his wife killed their personal trainer, put the body in the trunk of a Jaguar, and set the vehicle ablaze before fleeing to Boston. I heard the story on the last night's news. I knew that whole "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" slogan was a bunch of crap.

Here are three examples of Global Schoolyard Rhymes:

From FRANCE:
T’as les boules
T’as les glands
T’as les crottes de nez qui pendent

English Translation:
You have balls
You have glands
You have a nose booger that hangs

From INDIA:
(Language: Malayalam spoken in the Kerala province in south India and the only language whose name is a palnidrome)
Mazha peyyunnu
Maddalam kottunnu
Maraante achikku
Thooran muttunnu

English Translation:
It's raining
The drummer is drumming
The drummer's wife
Must take a s***

From SYRIA:
(in Arabic)
Ahky Engleezy
Ilhaas teezy

English Translation:
I speak English
Lick my a**

Aren't they disgusting? But if you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S. let me know.

I got into an argument w/ my mom on New Year's Eve. (Even I can't believe it.) The Ducks had come for dinner and everyone was talking except me. I had nothing to say and I didn't care what was going on. I just sat there and toyed w/ my food -- I did eat a dinner roll, the only thing that wasn't too salty (for me). Daddy and The Duck were talking about eBay, and it finally turned to a seller who failed to ship my goods and in order to stay in my (and eBay's) good graces he refunded my money as well as sending me a gift, which turned out to be three screen printed T shirts. I had absolutely no use for them but told my parents I'd resell them either on eBay or in a tag sale. I had shown them the check and the T shirts and because I was on my way out, I just left the shirts there -- and totally forgot about them. At that point I asked my mom where those shirts were? She said, "They are no longer on the premises," w/ her nose in the air. I said, "WHAT?!?!" She responded that they were "filthy" and she threw them in the trash! Me: "You had no right to do that, they did not belong to you!!" Mom: "I don't care, I did it anyway!" Me: "You will never stop overstepping your boundaries! You don't even realize there are boundaries, you just do whatever you want and everyone else can live w/ your unilateral decisions or drop dead!" Daddy: "Hey, hey, Samantha, stop this NOW." Me: "She's not getting away w/ this, I have had it!" Daddy: "I'm not saying she's right. I'm saying this is not the time or place for this." I paused, then threw my napkin on the table and said, "You're right. Please excuse me." And I stalked out of her house, returned to my nest and slept. When I awoke I didn't feel any better. I still don't feel better. This is going to turn out like it always does -- I'll swallow my anger eventually and that'll be the end of it. As my dad says, "You'll never change her, she's going to do what she wants regardless of the consequences," which he's been saying my whole life. The "filthy" T shirts were -- for example, one said "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" and there was a girl in a bikini standing next to a horse. Another said, "She thinks my tractor's sexy" w/ a girl in a bikini standing next to a John Deere. It was the bikini that horrified my mother which she told me when she first saw the shirts. I had no intention of wearing it myself, I was just looking to resell them. I don't guess there's any chance of that now. And I am still livid! No one has tried to contact me since, and they won't. It's expected that it'll all be forgotten as always. Oh well, they're probably right anyway ... But I still wanted to resell them!! Sheesh!! However, that's a prime example of how up and down my moods have been recently and how I don't always use the brain the good Lord gave me.

Finally, I am posting the 2005 Not Very Good Book of The Month List:

JANUARY
How Jesus Makes Rainbows
Kansas Board of Education

FEBRUARY
Self-Published Ramblings of a Semi-Literate Recovering Alcoholic Who Praised His Own Book on Amazon
Edmund R.J. Phelps

MARCH
May I Fondle That For You?
James Lipton

APRIL
Rich Dad/Poor Dad's Guide To Just Making Theories Up
Robert T. Kiyosaki

MAY
Barbra Streisand's Angriest Faxes
F. Mellet

JUNE
Another Book with Questing Elves In It
David P. Morrison

JULY
The Seven Habits of the Five Highly Effective People You Meet In Heaven
Stephen Albom

AUGUST
Chopstick Better
Hu Lin Pang

SEPTEMBER
Trump: Trump On Trump
Donald Trump

OCTOBER
Consumer Reports Rates Bear Repellants
Various

NOVEMBER
The Truth About Santa
Michael Moore

DECEMBER
The Idiot's Guide To Books For Dummies
Various

I'm outta here --

Happy New Year ...

and all that crap. It doesn't mean anything to me because little changes in my world, and when it does it's usually a new horror story, like the one that happened last month. And the month before when my original blog and image server were both deleted. Sometimes I actually feel like, "That was pretty awful but I've survived it, and things certainly can't get worse," but every time I do something comes down the pike that makes a big fat liar out of me. So I try not to say that anymore. Anyway,

Today, the first day of 2006, the weather is treacherous! It's sunny, 65°w/a lovely southern breeze. How appalling! I only see this in my dreams:


Sad. I miss the snow and am still in deep thought about where I'm relocating to. I'm leaning toward Scottsdale, I think but w/serious thoughts of Utah or Nevada. I'm not sure yet but I've located a website that tells everything about any particular area you may be interested in. Or, you can put in your own specs and it'll come back w/cities you've never probably even thought of before. I hope I can be enticed to do something before I completely die on the vine ...As it were.

I live in a dry county which is fine w/me because I'm not much of a drinker. You can buy beer here but that's it. You can drink in nearby counties but I'm so phobic about the whole drinking and driving thing that I don't do it. You think I'm gonna get tanked on Disaronno or -- EGAD! -- Jägermeister and drive 30 or 40 miles home? Not even on a bet! I mean, there is no freaking way I'm endangering my life and lives of others. In fact, I don't believe I've had an alcoholic drink at all since I've been here, which will be five years in four days. However, when I vacationed recently I picked up a friend's bottle of Corona w/lime. Now, I've never been able to choke down beer very easily but I guess the lime did it for me becuse it wasn't as horrible as I'd expected it to be. So this morning I decided I'd go get a six-pack of Corona and limes. I first went to Mr. Griggs' store for limes but it was closed because it's a "holiday" today, so then I just went to Dodge for Corona. They have a rule that you can't purchase alcohol until 1.00 so I was totally thwarted! I got back in my dad's truck and gave up. Back at the ranch, I looked in my refrigerator for milk (my ulcer has been throwing nonstop tantrums for three weeks) and lo, there it was: A lone bottle of Pete's Wicked Ale, all by itself. It's not mine but what the hell? I popped it open, leaving the milk behind and ... Trust me, it needs lime. Or something because it was just too nasty!! I figured I'd slug it down, save this to draft and take a nap. That's what I do most of the time, I sleep. If I'm not sleeping I'm driving somewhere. That's my life -- sleep and drive. I love to read too but I can't track -- I have A.D.D. and on 19 January Dr. Winston will decide what else to add to my drug cocktail since I'm now off the crappy Strattera. On drugs, off drugs all the time, trying to find the magical combination which, for me, is impossible. I will be bipolar the rest of my life, up and down the roller coaster except I don't have as many manic episodes as I once did. I miss them. I miss lots of things.

And this is what I'm thinking about on New Year's Day. *sigh* Guess I'll post this now instead of saving to draft.

Oops! I nearly forgot! This is actually good news -- the Razr is now available for Verizon Wireless, which is my cellular company of choice. So I think I'll get one soon. I'll see if it's all it's cracked up to be, but online it looks pretty decent!